


the price of being selfish; the price to pay for inaction

by vinndetta



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - Modern: Still Have Powers, Angst, Bisexual Charles Xavier, Bittersweet Ending, Drinking to Cope, F/M, Infidelity, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Multi, POV Erik Lehnsherr, ace attorney references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:02:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22012270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinndetta/pseuds/vinndetta
Summary: "I want so much, Charles, but I can't afford to be selfish.""Well," Charles laughs bitterly. "I don't think either of us can."
Relationships: Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier, Moira MacTaggert/Charles Xavier (background)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 28





	the price of being selfish; the price to pay for inaction

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Your Woman](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22006810) by [mathildia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mathildia/pseuds/mathildia). 



> honestly considering all i've been writing in the past month is happy/romantic/gushy stuff, all of them with pretty happy/funny endings, i guess it was time to whip out the angst.

_infidelity._

"This has to be the last time."

Erik blinks.

They look silly, clothes halfway peeled off, suddenly paused on the couch. They look like a still taken from a movie scene, something that looks hilarious without context and background dramatic music.

"The last time," Erik echoes.

"The last time," Charles says firmly.

Neither of them is sure if they mean it, or if they're just saying words to comfort themselves at the moment.

-

Charles and Erik are childhood friends, of a sort.

The two of them grew up, in the same homeroom for two years in a row during the young, impressionable years of elementary.

Then, one moved away and lost contact.

Years later, they're friends again, of a sort. Political activists on two sides, yet trying to work together for one cause. They both believe in the same end goal, yet use different methods.

Charles isn't sure what caused young, sweet Erik to become Erik "Violence-Is-The-Answer" Lenhsherr. Erik doesn't know why young, bold Charles became Charles "Optimist" Xavier.

-

Erik's parents were murdered with a single gunshot. His father's acquaintance took him in.

Haunted from the memory of his parents' death, he lives on only through sheer spite. Nothing fuels him more than years of buried hate and anger towards injustice in the world.

-

Charles' father dies of a mysterious accident, or at least that's what the papers say. With an emotionally distant mother with even more physical distance between the two of them, Charles grew up with a sworn sister, a sibling not by blood but by oath.

More and more sure that his actions have consequences he'd rather not face, Charles becomes a symbol of peace. Although a younger him would brawl for the sake of the greater good and would never stop doing things he believed is right, Charles now understands the importance of sacrifice.

Erik shows up during one of these sacrifices, telling him that he's too sacrificial, willing to give up too much to an unjust opponent.

-

Erik and Charles reconnect, on some sort of weird plane.

-

No one knows that Erik is continually haunted by the faded memory of his parents' death. He doesn't know what to believe. In those last moments where he watched the life fade from his parents' eyes, his consciousness faded, too.

The last thing he remembers is throwing a gun at the other person in the enclosed room, as they all go unconscious from the slowly depleting amount of oxygen.

Erik thinks that he's the cause of his parents' death.

-

When Charles digs up the memory and shows Erik that Schmidt (or his current alias, Shaw) was the one who fired the gun, Erik feels his whole world falling apart around him.

-

"This has to be the last time," Charles breathes out as Erik continues to press kisses on his collarbone. "The _last_ time."

-

The first time.

It happens when everything is done and over with. Shaw is dead. Erik made sure of that. Charles looks at him after the matter, and although he wasn't there at the murder, he looks pensive and vaguely upset.

Charles' office is set up properly.

Soon, people will be moving into the school that Charles is creating for mutants.

But for now, it's just the two of them.

-

Erik has never been in someone else's debt.

It has never happened. It is usually the other way around for him. So when he finds that Charles has done so much for him, he figures he might as well give Charles what he wants.

It's so incredibly obvious, from the way Charles looks at him. He's known it for a very long time.

-

Erik shows up at the door.

Before he can knock, he hears a muffled voice telling him to just come in.

He opens the door.

"Charles."

"Erik!" Charles smiles, standing up from his desk chair. "What a surprise."

Erik looks at him. He knows he's lying - it was no surprise at all. Still, he leaves it be.

Standing at the doorway, Erik pinches his nose. "I just... I just wanted to say thank you. I have you to thank for the guilt of my parents' death coming off my shoulders."

"It's nothing," Charles waves him off. "You would have done the same for me."

Erik sighs. "Think what you will."

"I will," Charles says firmly, with a hint of a smile.

"I find myself..." Erik trails off. What should he say? _In your debt? With unnecessary feelings? Confused about the way you look at me? Unsure what our connection is?_

"... In your debt." Erik finishes off.

Charles raises an eyebrow. "You don't have to repay me."

"I don't mean that."

"What?"

"I mean..." Erik trails towards the desk, to which Charles looks at him nervously. "I mean... non-financially."

Charles bites his lip, looking down. "I'm not so sure what you mean."

"Are you sure?" Erik says, pouring as much sugar as he can into his words. Charles' shiver doesn't escape his notice. "Are you sure I can't do anything for you?"

"Erik..." Charles whispers, a protest with no meaning behind it.

Erik gets even close to Charles, raising his chin with one finger as he presses a kiss to his lips.

Charles pauses for a second, but then returns the kiss full force, with a desperateness that Erik has never felt before, not like this, never like this. Erik didn't expect it, but he doesn't pull back, either. Instead, he lets it happen, pleased that his observational skills were on the dot.

Erik pulls back a little bit, just enough for their lips to still be touching. "So, this is what you wanted. I was right."

"God, yes," Charles moans. "For so long, this, this, this..." He trails off.

"You think about me, don't you?" Erik chuckles. "I'm no telepath, but _fuck_ , it was all over your face every time you look at me. I'm surprised that no one has ever said anything, or that you've never made a move."

"Yes, Erik," Charles whines. "You're everything. Everything, fuck, you're beautiful."

Erik presses a kiss to his neck. "And do you touch yourself to the thought of me?"

Charles' loud moan is literally everything but a yes.

Erik pulls the two of them to the couch.

-

Charles is a very needy man during sex, or maybe that's just a thing with Erik. He can reach orgasm basically untouched to Erik's amusement.

It's a short, quick, desperate round of sex.

Just the way Erik likes it - one-night stands with strangers that mean nothing to him except for a quick release.

But Erik forgot to consider that this isn't a stranger. This is Charles Xavier, his childhood best friend and his rival of sorts. 

Things can never be that simple with Charles. Not for Erik. Not if it's Charles.

-

After it's all said and done, Erik cleans himself up. He doesn't look at Charles, as he's unsure what to say, especially to those eyes of his.

"You're leaving?" Charles asks quietly. He's sitting there, looking up at Erik.

Erik looks away. "Yeah."

"You can come back to my room if you want?" Charles states it more like a question.

Erik shakes his head, turning around to look Charles directly in the eye.

"No, this... we're not doing this again," Erik says.

"Oh." Charles blinks. The _so, it was just to repay me?_ is just off the tip of his tongue, Erik can see it, but those words are never said.

"We can't do it again," Erik repeats.

Charles nods. 

The way he looks terribly sad is pulling at his heartstrings. Erik makes up an excuse to leave as soon as possible, leaving the room. He doesn't even know what he said, but he does know that he needs to leave.

Erik retreats to his room, unsure of what all of that... emotions stuff meant.

"That was a one-time thing," Erik says to himself.

-

 _That was definitely not a one-time thing_ , Erik thinks to himself later.

It happens again. And then again. And then again.

-

For some reason, no matter how platonic they try to be during their conversations, it always ends up the same way. Having sex somewhere. Whether it's in a car, or in Charles' office, or in a bedroom, it just happens.

Erik moves out a little after their first time, but each and every time, it seems that the two continue to meet up over and over again.

-

He knows that Charles wants it to be more. He sees Charles' face falling every time he refuses to stay the night. Erik doesn't want to slap a label like _boyfriend_ or _partner_ , no matter how much he feels towards Charles.

He refuses to understand what he feels. He doesn't want to analyze it.

It never occurs to Erik that if Charles can't get emotional stability and romantic comfort from him, that he could seek it somewhere else.

At least, it doesn't occur until too late.

-

He notices that Moira and Charles are out together much more often than usual, but he doesn't connect the dots.

-

Erik receives the wedding invitation in the mail.

He downs an entire bottle of whiskey after he reads the invitation that Charles Xavier and Moira MacTaggert are getting married.

-

Erik shows up at the wedding because of course, he does. If he doesn't show up, he's not sure what all of Charles' mutual friends with him would say. Of course, that doesn't mean that he shows up on time and sober. Instead, he shows up two hours late, with half a bottle of whiskey in his system.

Charles comes up to see him, no one around to hear anything.

"You showed up." He gives Erik a gentle smile.

But all Erik has to say is, "That suit looks good on you."

"Thanks?" Charles furrows his eyebrows.

"It would look better if... no..." Erik hums loudly. "It looks _horrible_. I want to ruin it."

" _Ruin_ it?" Charles grimaces.

Erik nods. "Rip it off you and cover you in cum instead."

Charles' eyes widen, his breath hitching. "Erik," he says warningly.

"You'd still love it. You think about me. I know you do," Erik says, realizing that he's far too drunk to be at a wedding if he's saying such nasty things out loud. "You were always eager for it with me. And... you got married. You... married her. I'm..."

Charles looks afraid to hear what comes after that.

"I'm tired."

Charles looks speechless.

 _Good_ , Erik thinks.

Charles shifts awkwardly. Erik doesn't need to look down. He knows there's a visible shadow at Charles' crotch. 

"Listen, I have to go," Charles says suddenly. "I have to, someone is calling me, I, I, I have to go now. Get some rest."

Erik nods. "Congratulations on the marriage."

Charles walks away, and Erik realizes that he's made a grave, grave mistake. Something he will take to the grave.

It's not the drunken words that he spewed to Charles at his wedding. It's the words he never said to Charles before this whole wedding thing happened.

Erik leaves briskly.

This can't happen again. He shouldn't have come, he shouldn't have said anything, he should have said something before.

-

It happens again.

-

"We can't do this."

Erik looks at him blankly.

"Nothing has even happened yet."

" _Yet_ ," Charles hisses. "That's the thing, we all know where this is headed."

"Then stop doing it, if we can't do it any longer."

"Moira is _pregnant_ , Erik!"

Erik stills.

"I can't do this. We can't do this to her."

Erik pinches his nose. 

"I came all this way just to hear this? You could have just texted me or called me."

Charles' voice cracks. "What do you want, Erik?"

"Me? You told _me_ to come over." Erik glares back at him. "What do _you_ want?"

Charles throws up his hands in defeat.

"Answer the question."

"I want to not be in love with you." Charles answers.

Erik pauses. It's the first time he's ever said that, that he loved him, but does it really count if the person doesn't even want to be in love with you in the first place?

Charles continues, "I want to go back to when we weren't talking. I want to go back to when you came into my office all those years ago, just so I can push you away. I want you to love me like she loves me, and I want her to love me the way you did. I want ..."

Charles sits down. He can't say another word.

"I want..." Erik starts, Charles looking up at him. "I want to have realized I was in love with you before your wedding. I want to not love you. I want to go back and tell myself not to go to your wedding because that's when I realized I loved you and also that it was already too late. I want you to leave her. I want her to not be pregnant, even though that's a horrible thing to think."

A pause.

"I want so much, Charles, but I can't afford to be selfish."

"Well," Charles laughs bitterly. "I don't think either of us can."

Erik bites his tongue, then leans forward towards the other.

"I'm going to be selfish..." Erik whispers into Charles' ear, as Charles widens his eyes. "Just one last time."

Erik presses his lips to Charles' lips.

It's the softest kiss they've ever shared, and quite possibly the last. If either keeps their word.

"We can't do this again."

**Author's Note:**

> i really recommend reading the fic this is inspired by, especially if you're a fan of phoenix wright and angst (like i am!). there are some parts that are based heavily on sections in the original fic, so i obviously can't take credit for those wonderful ideas. 
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoy this. i sure didn't, considering i was crying as i wrote it. if there are typos, blame it on my tears. comments and kudos are always appreciated. love you! [leaves a box of tissues for everyone]


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